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November 17, 2018.

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The seven-year old girl told her mom,
"A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

<November 30, 2011>

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Good news

When Vickie's co-worker received a phone call from her daughter, she heard her exclaim joyfully, "Seven and a half pounds! I'm so proud!"

After she had hung up, she asked, "Boy or girl?"

"Neither," her colleague replied... "Diet."

<November 20, 2011>

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Job

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "Im the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

<September 4, 2011>

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TV service

A customer called our service line demanding help with her TV, which wouldn't come on.

"I'm sorry, but we can't send a technician out today due to the blizzard," I told her.

Unsatisfied, she barked, "I need my TV fixed today! What else am I supposed to do while the power is out?!"

<July 12, 2011>

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Boss

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through - you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here."

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof did here?"

From across the room a voice said,
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Sent by:Sanyi <June 18, 2011>

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Coming home early

The husband came home from the work and his wife asked
"Why are you home so early?"

"I got told to go to hell by the boss." husband replied.

Sent by:AZ <May 1, 2011>

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Busy day at bank

It was a typically busy day at the bank.
After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came up to the side counter and demanded:

"What do I have to do to change the address on my account?"

Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."

<April 3, 2011>

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Blacksmith

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice who was willing to work long hours for low pay.
"When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil and when I nod my head you hit it with this hammer", said the blacksmith to Murphy.
Murphy did as he was told and now he's the village blacksmith.

Sent by:Sanyi <March 30, 2011>

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10 Office Rules

10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.

9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.

5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!

<February 21, 2011>

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Customer

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for quite some time now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any more."
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, I personally placed an order for them just a couple of days ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she asked if we had any?"
"Muggers in the parking lot."

<January 6, 2011>

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First day at work

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said,

"Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

<December 16, 2010>

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The boss

The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his.

“Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

Sent by:Sanyi <December 3, 2010>

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Farmer

The Department of Labor claimed a small Robertson farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Department of Labor Employee: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Farmer: "Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 30 years. I pay him $1 400 a week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours a day, seven days a week and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $100 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of brandy every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

Department of Labor Employee: "That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one."

Farmer: "That would be me."

<November 30, 2010>

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Lightbulb

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off..
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.

Sent by:Sanyi <November 12, 2010>

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Career

Why was the archeologist depressed?
Because his career was in ruins.

Sent by:Randor <November 11, 2010>

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