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November 17, 2018.

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Tracks

"Look, guide, here are some LION tracks."

"Good. You see where they go and Ill find out where they came from."

<November 29, 2011>

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Marriage counselor

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning andlistening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.He looked at the man and said,
"This is what your wife needs, at least oncea day!"

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said,
"OK, what time do you wantme to bring her back tomorrow?"

<November 29, 2011>

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Werewolves

I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

<November 29, 2011>

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Blondes

Q.How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Three. One to find the bulb, the second to find a ladder, and the third to find a man.

<November 22, 2011>

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Good news

When Vickie's co-worker received a phone call from her daughter, she heard her exclaim joyfully, "Seven and a half pounds! I'm so proud!"

After she had hung up, she asked, "Boy or girl?"

"Neither," her colleague replied... "Diet."

<November 20, 2011>

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Flowers

When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers they always have on display near the checkout counter.

During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife.

"How often do you do that?" one asked.

Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."

Sent by:nono <November 18, 2011>

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Garden gnome

A customer walks into a lawn ornament shop and tells the shopkeeper he's looking for a garden gnome of a fairly large size.

"Sure, take your time," replies the shopkeeper, amiably, "I got them in all sizes."

The customer looks around and then says, "How much for that ugly one with the fat ass?"

The shopkeeper: "My wife is not for sale."

Sent by:Sanyi <November 18, 2011>

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Sex education

The pretty young sex education teacher handed out the final test papers.

Tom got a D, Dick got a D-, Harry got an F.

The three got together after class to complain about their low
grades.

"That bitch!" said Tom "I can't believe she gave me a D"

"We should get even with her" said Dick "Let's grab her after
school"

"Yeah" said Harry "...and kick her in the nuts!"

Sent by:Sanyi <November 18, 2011>

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Miracle

The religious cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really" said the cow "Your name is written inside the cover".

Sent by:Sanyi <November 10, 2011>

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Deaf men

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, 'boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldnt stop!'

The other Buddy says 'when my wife goes off on me I just dont listen.'

'How do you do that?' Says the other.

'Its easy! I turn off the light!'

Sent by:Sanyi <November 10, 2011>

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