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November 17, 2018.

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Confessions

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three,
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems."

The others agreed.Then one said,
"Since we are all professionals, why dont we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.The first then confessed,
"I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said,
"I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with,
"Im involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed,
"I know Im not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I cant keep a secret..."

<November 10, 2011>

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Blind man

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He cant see my license plate.

<November 10, 2011>

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Lost dog

The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him. He drove around the neigbourhood for some time with no luck. Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.
"You mean the one following your car?" they asked.

<November 10, 2011>

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Suicide

A biker was riding along the road when he saw a girl about to jump off a bridge. So he stopped.

He gets off his bike and says, "Hey, honey, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, passionate, deep-tongued, lingering, thrilling kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "That was the best kiss I've had in a long time. That's a real talent you are going to waste. You're a hot, passionate, young thing. Why are you committing suicide?"

"Because, my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

<November 8, 2011>

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New car

Renault and Ford are collaborating on a new small car for women which should be far less susceptible to theft. They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, calling it the Clitaurus. The average male thief won't be able to find it, let alone operate the damn thing!

<November 8, 2011>

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Complain

"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!"

I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was.

"Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"

<November 8, 2011>

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Dog watch

Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"

Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."

Sent by:Hilda <November 4, 2011>

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Husband

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

<October 28, 2011>

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Scud missile

- How many Iraqis does it take to launch a Scud missile?

- Two. One to launch it, one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.

<October 28, 2011>

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Great ball

Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day Bob went to Tom and said, "Hey look at this great ball!"

Tom replied, "Whats so great about it?"

Bob said, "Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!"

"Wow!", said Tom, "Where did you get that from?"

Bob replied, "I found it."

Sent by:Qvik <October 28, 2011>

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