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November 17, 2018.

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What's wrong with me

A man walks into a doctor's office with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and two grapes up his nose.

Confused, the man asks: "Doctor what's wrong with me?"

The doctor looks at the man and replies: "You're not eating properly!"

Sent by:AZ <October 27, 2011>

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Pants

Customer: You said these pants were pure wool, but the label says "all cotton."

Salesman: Oh, thats just to keep the moths away.

<October 23, 2011>

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Ice-fishing

Q. How did the blonde die ice-fishing?

A. She was run over by the zambonis machine.

<October 20, 2011>

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First child

A man speaks frantically into the phone,
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Sent by:Sanyi <October 20, 2011>

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Bold

Customer: Couldnt you see I was going bald?

Barber: No, the shine from your head blinded me.

<October 20, 2011>

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Sad thing

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments,
"You look terrible. Whats the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, thats tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder youre depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

Sent by:nono <October 18, 2011>

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New Years Eve

Last New Years Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. It was embarrassing - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

<October 17, 2011>

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Finances

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it werent for my money, the house wouldnt be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it werent for your money I wouldnt be here."

<October 17, 2011>

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Monster

Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the menu, sir? Monster: No thanks, just bring me the passenger list.

<October 15, 2011>

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Talking frog

A warrant officer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The warrant officer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, Ill stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the warrant officer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? Ive told you Im a beautiful princess, that Ill stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why wont you kiss me?"

The warrant officer said,
"Look Im an warrant officer. I dont have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now thats cool."

Sent by:Sanyi <October 12, 2011>

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