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November 17, 2018.

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Divorce

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Sherry? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Morris, I want a divorce."

He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much!"

Sent by:Sanyi <October 12, 2011>

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Shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball'schance in hell of hitting her from here!"

Sent by:Qvik <October 12, 2011>

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Help

A man was talking to his doctor. "Listen doc, I heard that you were compassionate towards helping a person out that is in pain and suffering. I heard that you could give a shot to euthanize and relieve all that."

The doctor said, "I can perform that service if the pain and suffering is too unbearable for the patient. How long have you been suffering?"

"Twenty years doc." said the man.

"Ok, it sounds like you want out of your misery." said the doctor.

"Great!" said the man, "My wife is in the waiting room, can you put her down now?"

<October 11, 2011>

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Car

"Wheres the car?" asked Professor Delberts wife, when he got home.

"Did I take it out?"

"Yes, you drove it to school this morning."

"I suppose youre right, my dear. I remember now that after I got out, I turned to thank the man who gave me a lift and wondered where hed gone."

<October 10, 2011>

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Windows

Q: Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?

A: It took her six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.

<October 10, 2011>

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Eternity

What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes at a four way stop.

<October 10, 2011>

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Babysitter

Mother: Why was the phone busy all night?

Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.

<October 10, 2011>

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Heaven

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadnt heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

<October 8, 2011>

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Witness

The Judge admonished the witness,
"Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

<October 8, 2011>

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BMW

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what theyve done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "Youre so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didnt even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh no!", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was."Wheres my Rolex???!!!"

Sent by:Mitró Márk <October 6, 2011>

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