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November 17, 2018.

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Plumber

The plumber was working in a house when the lady of the house said to him,

"Will it be alright if I have a bath while youre having your lunch?"

"Its okay with me lady," said the plumber, "as long as you dont splash my sandwiches."

<October 1, 2011>

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Remote

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

<September 29, 2011>

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Snail

'Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a snail.'

'Dont worry, we'll soon have you out of your shell!'

<September 29, 2011>

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Clock

One day a wife complained,

"This wall clock almost killed my mother today.It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband grunted and replied,

"The darn clock always was slow."

<September 28, 2011>

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Fire

A blonde came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"

"Okay" replied the fireman, "How do we get there?"

"Don't you still have those big red trucks?"

Sent by:KisJuc716 <September 28, 2011>

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Farm

A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter:
"I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and $22,389,630.00 cash".
The granddaughter replied:
"Wow!!" 'Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & al l this wealth! Where is it??"
Granny says with her last dying breath.....
"It's on my Facebook."

<September 28, 2011>

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Rabbit

A man calls his family doctor:
'Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit.'

Doctor:
'Ok, bring her in and Ill try to help.'

Man:
'Fine, but whatever you do, dont cure her.'

<September 24, 2011>

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Good old days

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore....they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."

Sent by:nono <September 22, 2011>

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Blond swimmer

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says,
"The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde".
The blonde says,
"I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

Sent by:Sanyi <September 20, 2011>

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Online dating

A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-linedating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck andhe said hed quit -- seems theyd matched him up with his wife.

<September 16, 2011>

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