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November 17, 2018.

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Bad news

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
The doctor interrupts:
"Nine..."

Sent by:simi nori <October 26, 2008>

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Proposal

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was!
"Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

Sent by:nono <October 26, 2008>

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Superman

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said:
"I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!"
The second man says:
"Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says:
" I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says:
"Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in."
The first man says:
"Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man:
"Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

Sent by:Petey Pablo <October 26, 2008>

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Enlarge breasts

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her:
"Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks:
"How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks:
"How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

Sent by:dragox <October 26, 2008>

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Hair pulling

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says:
"Now she knows."

Sent by:Attila88 <October 26, 2008>

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Faking

A blond at a party was telling her friend that she was off men for life.
"They lie, they cheat and they're just no good. From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator!"
"So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.
"I'll just fake an orgasm like always."

Sent by:AZ <October 26, 2008>

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Casket salesman

Pauly got a job as a casket salesman in the local funeral home. He's talking to this old guy, who's come in to plan his funeral for "one of these days."
"Now, sir," says Pauly, " think you'll want this model. It's a beautiful piece of equipment, and a steal at $4,000."
"No," said the old guy, "that's really too much for a casket. How much is THIS one right here?"
"Oh," said Pauly, "it's the bottom of the line and is just $1,000."
"I think I'd like that one," said the old guy.
"Wait just a minute, sir. This casket is very narrow. You just lie down in here and TRY to spread your elbows!"

Sent by:nono <October 26, 2008>

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Alcohol Warning Labels

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to rollover in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Sent by:Sanyi <August 25, 2008>

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Sermon

A man who went to church with his wife, always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "....and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!". The minister said "That's right, that's right." and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to ".... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins....." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ". The minister said, "that's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to " .... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"

Sent by:Sanyi <August 25, 2008>

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Accident

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. And I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.

Sent by:Gerigod <August 25, 2008>

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