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November 17, 2018.

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Monster

Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the menu, sir? Monster: No thanks, just bring me the passenger list.

<October 15, 2011>

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Car

"Wheres the car?" asked Professor Delberts wife, when he got home.

"Did I take it out?"

"Yes, you drove it to school this morning."

"I suppose youre right, my dear. I remember now that after I got out, I turned to thank the man who gave me a lift and wondered where hed gone."

<October 10, 2011>

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Babysitter

Mother: Why was the phone busy all night?

Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.

<October 10, 2011>

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Plumber

The plumber was working in a house when the lady of the house said to him,

"Will it be alright if I have a bath while youre having your lunch?"

"Its okay with me lady," said the plumber, "as long as you dont splash my sandwiches."

<October 1, 2011>

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Good old days

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore....they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."

Sent by:nono <September 22, 2011>

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Camp

At the end of camp, Julie won the prize for neatest trunk. Her mother was amazed.

'How did your trunk get so neat?' she asked her messy daughter.

'It was easy,' said Julie. 'I just never unpacked!'

<September 15, 2011>

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Boyfriend

My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

"I have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him.

"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"

"No," he replied, "it's parked in the wrong driveway."

<September 13, 2011>

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Neighbours

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishmans garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said,

"In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.Eventually the Englishman stood up and said,

"Now its my turn to punch you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

<September 6, 2011>

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Little old lady

A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now."

<August 12, 2011>

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Similarity

Q: Why is Viagra like Disneyworld?
A: You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride.

<August 5, 2011>

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