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November 14, 2018.

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Belly

Little Pauly, age 4, was visiting one of his aunties when she was pregnant with her first kid.

She allowed him to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick.

His little face scrunched and said, "How does the baby get out of there?"

She wanted to keep it simple, so she said, "The doctor will help."

Pauly's eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, "You've got a DOCTOR in there, too?

Sent by:Sanyi <August 2, 2011>

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Planning

Q. How does a man show hes planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.


<July 29, 2011>

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Flag pole

Wyatt, Milford and Calhoun were standing one on top of the other trying to measure a flag pole. A man passing by yelled up to them, "Why dont you guys just take down the pole, lay it down on the ground and measure it?" "We dont wanna measure the length, mister!" Wyatt sneered. "We wanna measure the height!"

<July 27, 2011>

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Robbery

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number twos hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers,

"What is this?"

to which accountant number one replies,

"its that $50 I owe you."

<July 19, 2011>

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Training

The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated:
"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good: Private Johnson will be setting the pace on our morning run."

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Johnson was overweight and terribly slow.

But then the drill sergeant finished his statement:
"Now for the bad news. Private Johnson will be driving a truck."

<July 19, 2011>

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Drunk driver

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

Sent by:Sanyi <July 5, 2011>

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Exercise

Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise?The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!

<July 2, 2011>

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Eating

I'd just come out of a Supermarket with a roasted chicken, French fries, large chips, and a 12 pack of beer.

A poor homeless man sat on the curb and said to me as I passed by, "I haven't eaten for two days!"

I told him, "That's great. I wish I had your will power."

<July 1, 2011>

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Purse

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat.
Later I called the company and was relieved that several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me.

One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse.

"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained.

"I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued,

"I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."

<July 1, 2011>

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Crowded train

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat..
There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window

Sent by:Sanyi <June 19, 2011>

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