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November 14, 2018.

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Psychic

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

Sent by:nono <June 13, 2011>

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Flowers

Jeremy visited a florist's shop which showed a large sign that read, 'Say It With Flowers.'

"Wrap up one rose, please" Jeremy demanded of the florist's assistant.

"Only one?", she enquired frowning.

"Ah yes just the one", Jeremy replied. "I'm a man of very few words."'

Sent by:Sanyi <June 10, 2011>

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In a restaurant

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasnt happy about that:
"When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

<June 3, 2011>

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Talking

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and
knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the
tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a
message for ya."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to
talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my
daughter Suzie pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

<May 30, 2011>

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Train sets

What do train sets and breasts have in common?
Both were designed for kids but it's always dads who end up playing with them.

Sent by:shenkee <May 27, 2011>

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Story

The barber's client looked depressed, so the barber told him, "Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed $5,000 he couldn't pay. He drove his vehicle to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour. A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem and passed a hat around. Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff's edge."

"Incredible," said the client. "Who were these kind people?"

"The passengers on his bus".

<May 26, 2011>

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Shopping

Took my daughter to the supermarket with the wife today.
It was all going well until we got to the checkout.
"I want some sweets" she said.
"No, you had some in the car " I replied.
Well that was it. Screaming, she threw herself on the floor, kicked and spat, and cried loud. Naturally, my daughter and I were mortified.

<May 23, 2011>

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Bus

I was drinking in the pub last night, so I ended up taking a bus home.
That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

<May 21, 2011>

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Misunderstanding

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

"Oh, well that's different...." she says. "Send her in!"

<May 21, 2011>

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Music

- Who likes music? - asks a commander.- Two soldiers step forward.- All right. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor.

Sent by:picike <May 16, 2011>

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