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November 14, 2018.

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Optometrist

A screw from my glasses fell out and I couldn't find it.

I called the optometrist's office that morning and explained what happened.

The receptionist told me to bring in my glasses and they would repair them.

That afternoon I called her back to let her know I was on my way.

The receptionist asked, "Who's calling, please?" "I'm the one with the screw missing," I replied.

<May 8, 2011>

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Gun

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognised an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

"Could you give me some tips?" he asked. The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg". "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Sure will" the young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the young cowboy. "Got any more tips?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw". "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy "I'm learnin' something here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all". "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

Sent by:Pityu <May 6, 2011>

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Oldies song

While driving in the car with my son, I had an "oldies" radio station on.

It played a song that I remembered from the 1960's.

"You know, Ron, this song was on when I was in bed with a broken leg when I was young."

"Gee, Dad, that's too bad," he replied. "You couldn't even get up to turn it off."

<May 2, 2011>

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Library

While working in the library at a university, I was often shocked by the excuses students would use to get out of paying their fees for overdue books. One evening an older student returned two books that were way overdue and threw a fit over the "outrageous" $2 fee that I asked her to pay.

I tried to explain how much she owed for each day, but she insisted she should be exempt. "You don't understand," she blurted out. "I didn't even read them!"

<April 22, 2011>

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Beer

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

Sent by:nono <April 22, 2011>

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Favourite drink

One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with her to visit a friend at work. Everyone there knew her, and she was offered a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees went to make more coffee, her son followed her and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.

Imagine the woman's shock when she heard her son say, "Wow!
You know how to make beer?"

Sent by:Noémi <April 22, 2011>

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Loan

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the banks underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5000. and the interest which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us , is why would you bother to borrow $5000 ?" The woman replied, "Where else in New York, can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"

Sent by:Sanyi <April 20, 2011>

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Programmers

Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, thats a hardware problem.


Sent by:nono <April 20, 2011>

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Stronger

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Doing no exercise doesn't kill me. Therefore, doing no exercise makes me stronger.

<April 16, 2011>

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Attraction

A tourist asks a local person
- Have you got any attractions in here?
- We used to but she recently got married.

<April 14, 2011>

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