- jokes archives, page:33

March 22, 2019.





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"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "She also needs a bra and panties."

Sent by:Sanyi <April 8, 2011>

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Dear Iceberg,
Sorry to hear about the global warming thing. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic.

<April 5, 2011>

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Training course

The instructor in a basic training course asked a private,
"If you were on night sentry duty and saw a figure crawling toward camp, what procedure would you follow?"

"Well, sir," the private answered, "I'd help the officer to his quarters."

<April 3, 2011>

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Rules of DIY:

1. Always use the right tool for the job.
2. A hammer is the right tool for any job.
3. Anything can be used as a hammer.

<April 3, 2011>

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Bieber fever

"Baby, baby, baby ooh!"
Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to Justin Bieber?
Son: No, I'm watching porn.
Mom: Oh thank goodness.

Sent by:Jetta <April 3, 2011>

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Air conditioner

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didnt throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really dont care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Sent by:nono <April 1, 2011>

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Irish Man

An Irish Man is sitting in the pub with his wife when he
says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me, talking to the beer."

<March 29, 2011>

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Bizarre Answering machine messages

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by
the International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

1] My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if
you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as
soon as we're finished.

2] A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons
is why we're not here. So leave a message.

3] Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4] "Hi. Now you say something."

5] "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is,
so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

6] "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

7] (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

8] "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets."

9] "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to
charity through their office and do not need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number
and they will get back to you."

10] "This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

11] "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I
don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back,
it's you."

12] "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone
until I call you back."

13] "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home
cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

14] Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will
be used by us.

15] Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up
the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right .... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Sent by:tlj <March 27, 2011>

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I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me.

"Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"

"Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left.

When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.

"Fifteen dollars each."

"Who bought them?"

"I did!"

<February 22, 2011>

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A Teenager is...

A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

Sent by:nono <February 21, 2011>

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Total: 381 (39 pages)


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