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November 14, 2018.

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Pure Witticisms

1. I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
2. Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
8. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
9. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
10. It was all so different before everything changed.
11. Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
12. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
13. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
14. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
15. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
16. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
17. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
18. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
19. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
20. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
21. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
22. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
23. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
24. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
25. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
26. Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

Sent by:nono <November 5, 2008>

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Help

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."
________________________________________

Sent by:nono <November 5, 2008>

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Fishing

A local fisherman is returning from a fishing trip with 6 large size salmon in his creel. Nosy Parker comes along and asks if the man been fishing. "Yes!" replied the stalwart.
Asked what bait he had been using our hero replied that he had used chewing tobacco. Parker asked how one used chewing tobacco as bait, and the fisherman replied, "I put the tobacco on the hook in the normal way, cast in the normal way and when the fish strikes I haul back on the line to hook it. When the fish comes up to spit, I hit it on the head with the butt of my rod!

<November 5, 2008>

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Give and take

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."
The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

Sent by:Attila <November 3, 2008>

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The persistent drunk

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and demands a drink. "Get out!" the bartender shouts. "I don't serve drunks here."
The guy staggers out the front door, comes back in through the side door, sits down, bangs his fist, and again loudly demands a drink.
"I thought I just told you to get out," yells the bartender.
The drunk gets up, stumbles out the side door, and returns through the back door. He sits down and angrily asks for another drink.
The bartender walks over to him and shouts, "I told you, no drunks allowed. Now get the hell out of my bar!"
The drunk looks up and slurs, "How many freakin' bars you work at, anyway?"

<November 3, 2008>

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Dog or pig?

Woman walks into a bar with a dog under her arm.
Barman: "Where'd you get the pig?"
Woman: "That's not a pig, it's a dog!"
Barman: "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the dog."

<October 30, 2008>

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What is it?

Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one. Madonna does not have one. And a priest does not use his. What is it?

A last name.

Sent by:Jessie <October 30, 2008>

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Question

Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time?

He didn't know if he was coming or going.

<October 30, 2008>

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New neigbours

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.
"Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"
"No."
"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."
"Some other time; I'm busy."
"Dad, you have to meet them now."
From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.
"Where are they?" I asked.
"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"

Sent by:nono <October 30, 2008>

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New toy

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.
"Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk.
"It's designed to ease the tot into living in today's world, madam," the shop assistant replied. "Any way he tries to put it together is wrong."

<October 30, 2008>

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