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November 17, 2018.

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Fast-food restaurant

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldnt be eating here."

<December 21, 2011>

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Name

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"Im Mr. Sugarbrowns daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"Im Janey Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Arent you Mr. Sugarbrowns daughter?"

With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied,
"I thought I was, but Mommy says Im not."

<December 21, 2011>

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Sister

Mary: Do you think my sisters pretty?

Gary: Well, lets just say if you pulled her pigtail shed probably say oink, oink!

<December 12, 2011>

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Present

Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.

Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didnt you?

Fred: I couldnt find one big enough for your nose.

<December 12, 2011>

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Scotsmen

Q: How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Scotsmen dont change light bulbs, its cheaper to sit in the dark.

<December 5, 2011>

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Ugly

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

<November 30, 2011>

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New car

Renault and Ford are collaborating on a new small car for women which should be far less susceptible to theft. They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, calling it the Clitaurus. The average male thief won't be able to find it, let alone operate the damn thing!

<November 8, 2011>

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Complain

"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!"

I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was.

"Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"

<November 8, 2011>

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Pants

Customer: You said these pants were pure wool, but the label says "all cotton."

Salesman: Oh, thats just to keep the moths away.

<October 23, 2011>

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Bold

Customer: Couldnt you see I was going bald?

Barber: No, the shine from your head blinded me.

<October 20, 2011>

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New Years Eve

Last New Years Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. It was embarrassing - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

<October 17, 2011>

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