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November 17, 2018.

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Old person

Q: How can you tell an old person from a young person?

A: An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same time.

<November 30, 2011>

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In the gym

An old guy, not in the best of shape, was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer that was nearby "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby..."

<June 10, 2011>

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Wig

Two old ladies sat on a bench talking.

One said to the other, "Good heavens! Who did your hair? It looks like a wig!"

The second lady replied, rather indignantly, "It is a wig."

"Really?" exclaimed the first lady, "You could never tell!"

<April 28, 2011>

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Hat

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship‚ holding her hat on tightly so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me‚ madam. I do not intend to be forward‚ but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes‚ I know‚" said the lady‚ "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But‚ madam‚ you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down‚ then back up at the man and replied‚ "Sir‚ anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Sent by:nono <January 12, 2011>

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Walking

A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully,

"Sir, can you tell me the time?"

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said,

"It is a quarter to three, young man."

"Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass."

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.

"Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said,

"That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!"

"So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."

<December 16, 2010>

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Florida senior citizens

A group of Florida senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:

"My arms are so weak, I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Ha! My cataracts are so bad, I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not all bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can still drive!"

<December 10, 2010>

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Old couple

Couples who have lived together a long time have their own
way of communicating.

A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, "What are you
looking for in that closet?" she asked.

"Nothing," he snapped.

"Well, it's not in there. Look under the bed."

<September 16, 2010>

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Secret

"No woman can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that. I've kept my age a secret since I was 21."

"You'll let it out some day."

"I hardly think so. When a woman has kept a secret for 27 years, she can keep it forever."

Sent by:Sanyi <August 31, 2010>

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Pickup line

A guy sees a beautiful, young woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"

"Well," she says looking him up and down, "for the first half of it, I wasn't even born."

Sent by:nono <August 26, 2010>

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Clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Sent by:Sanyi <August 25, 2010>

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Museum

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! Why the penis on it was so large!"

Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...and cold, too!"

<August 11, 2010>

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Old is when...

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes.

Sent by:Gyuri <August 11, 2010>

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CD player

After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs,
she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or
fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player.

Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a
few days later to see how she was managing. "Fine. I listened
to Shania Twain this morning," she said.

"The whole CD?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "just one side.

<August 10, 2010>

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