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November 17, 2018.

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Teeth

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

Sent by:tlj <December 12, 2011>

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In a nursing home

I work in a nursing home, and one morning I was helping a gentleman who was particularly hard to wake get ready for breakfast.

As I coaxed him to sit up, he fixed his twinkling blue eyes on my face and said,
"My, you're pretty! Have I asked you to marry me yet?"

"No you haven't," I replied.

"Good," he said, "because I could not put up with this every morning!"

<December 10, 2011>

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Racehorse

'Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.'

'Take one of these every 4 laps!'

<December 4, 2011>

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Confessions

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three,
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems."

The others agreed.Then one said,
"Since we are all professionals, why dont we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.The first then confessed,
"I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said,
"I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with,
"Im involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed,
"I know Im not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I cant keep a secret..."

<November 10, 2011>

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What's wrong with me

A man walks into a doctor's office with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and two grapes up his nose.

Confused, the man asks: "Doctor what's wrong with me?"

The doctor looks at the man and replies: "You're not eating properly!"

Sent by:AZ <October 27, 2011>

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Help

A man was talking to his doctor. "Listen doc, I heard that you were compassionate towards helping a person out that is in pain and suffering. I heard that you could give a shot to euthanize and relieve all that."

The doctor said, "I can perform that service if the pain and suffering is too unbearable for the patient. How long have you been suffering?"

"Twenty years doc." said the man.

"Ok, it sounds like you want out of your misery." said the doctor.

"Great!" said the man, "My wife is in the waiting room, can you put her down now?"

<October 11, 2011>

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Snail

'Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a snail.'

'Dont worry, we'll soon have you out of your shell!'

<September 29, 2011>

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Rabbit

A man calls his family doctor:
'Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit.'

Doctor:
'Ok, bring her in and Ill try to help.'

Man:
'Fine, but whatever you do, dont cure her.'

<September 24, 2011>

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Operation

"Why are you so excited?", the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized.

"But doc, this is my first operation."

"Really? Its mine too, and I am not excited at all."


Sent by:Sanyi <September 15, 2011>

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Size 36

A fellow goes to the doctor because his testicles hurt. The doctor can't find anything wrong, and his only suggestion is to cut them off.

The poor sap reluctantly agrees. A few days later he decides to buy some new clothes to kind of ward off the depression of his loss. He tells the tailor that, for the pants, he wears a size 36.

The tailor says, "Oh, no, sir, if we try to fit you into a size 36, your testicles will hurt!"

Sent by:Sanyi <June 21, 2011>

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Surgeons

Five surgeons are having drinks together at a surgical convention and making jokes...

The first, a Florida surgeon, says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, a Michigan surgeon, responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded."

The third, a California surgeon, says: "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside of them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth, an New York surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth, from Washington D.C. shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

<June 20, 2011>

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Weight problem

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I am so ashamed, Doctor," she said. "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course... Now just open your mouth and say 'moo' - I mean, Ahhh!'"

<June 13, 2011>

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Serious operation

A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.

Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

<May 27, 2011>

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