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December 12, 2018.

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Fast-food restaurant

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldnt be eating here."

<December 21, 2011>

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Name

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"Im Mr. Sugarbrowns daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"Im Janey Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Arent you Mr. Sugarbrowns daughter?"

With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied,
"I thought I was, but Mommy says Im not."

<December 21, 2011>

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Sister

Mary: Do you think my sisters pretty?

Gary: Well, lets just say if you pulled her pigtail shed probably say oink, oink!

<December 12, 2011>

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Teeth

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

Sent by:tlj <December 12, 2011>

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Present

Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.

Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didnt you?

Fred: I couldnt find one big enough for your nose.

<December 12, 2011>

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Coat

An old lady was considering buying a squirrel fur coat.

"But will it be all right in the rain?" she asked anxiously.

"Oh certainly, maam," said the manager smoothly. "After all, youve never seen a squirrel with an umbrella have you?"

<December 10, 2011>

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In a nursing home

I work in a nursing home, and one morning I was helping a gentleman who was particularly hard to wake get ready for breakfast.

As I coaxed him to sit up, he fixed his twinkling blue eyes on my face and said,
"My, you're pretty! Have I asked you to marry me yet?"

"No you haven't," I replied.

"Good," he said, "because I could not put up with this every morning!"

<December 10, 2011>

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Scotsmen

Q: How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Scotsmen dont change light bulbs, its cheaper to sit in the dark.

<December 5, 2011>

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Racehorse

'Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.'

'Take one of these every 4 laps!'

<December 4, 2011>

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Alligator

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator wont attack you if you carry a flashlight?""That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

<December 2, 2011>

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Old person

Q: How can you tell an old person from a young person?

A: An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same time.

<November 30, 2011>

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Ugly

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

<November 30, 2011>

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Playing

The seven-year old girl told her mom,
"A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

<November 30, 2011>

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