- oneliners archives, page:1

July 30, 2021.





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Deep thoughts, oneliners

  • All mushrooms can be eaten, some even more than once.
  • No matter how low your own self esteem, there are probably others who think less of you.

  • There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together.
  • Money will not bring you happiness, but I would rather cry in a Mercedes than in a bus.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
  • Burglars broke into my apartment and were so appalled, they left a donation!
  • I proposed to my girlfriend on her birthday today. Unfortunately, it ended badly.

    She said yes.
  • It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
  • Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then
    proceed to tell you why it isn't.
  • Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
  • Life is too short to remove USB safely.
  • By the time a man can read a woman like a book, he needs bifocals.
  • Time flies in an airplane.
  • To get maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big mistake.
  • To teach is to learn twice.
  • To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.
  • Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
  • Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.
  • Thunder makes all the noise. Lightning gets the job done.
  • Those who can, do. Those who can't, get patents.

  • I have been married for 30 long years. I'll never forget when I first met my wife...

    But I'll keep trying!
  • Optimist: A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.
  • All people do in my workplace is talk about the weather.
    The sooner I leave the meteorological office, the better.
  • My house is so nasty, I tripped over a rat, and a cockroach stole my wallet.
  • You can usually tell when you're on the right track. It's uphill.
  • "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.
  • I got my son a stripper for his birthday.
    My wife wasn't impressed, but it's not every day he turns 4.
  • Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
  • She is the kind of girl who does not care for a man's company unless he owns it.
  • Modern paintings are like women: You will never enjoy them if you try to understand them.
  • The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.
  • My neighbour came round knocking on my door at 2am this morning! 2am, can you believe the bloody cheek of it!

    Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
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