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November 17, 2018.

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  • According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they have tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of American men actually need one.
    - Jay Leno
  • Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
    - George Carlin
  • There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
    - Robert Orben
  • Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
    - Robert Orben
  • Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
    - Robert Orben
  • A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
    - Robert Orben
  • If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
    - Tony Robbins
  • Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.
    - Joseph Campbell
  • Money won't make you happy... but everybody wants to find out for themselves.
    - Zig Ziglar
  • A new report found that 20 percent of people over 45 had to dip into their retirement savings last year. And the other 80 percent said, 'retirement savings?'


    - Jimmy Fallon
  • When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

    - Norm Crosby
  • If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
    - Alan King
  • A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
    - Robert Benchley
  • I was homeschooled, which meant that I had to bully myself.

    - David Letterman
  • A new survey found that 55 percent of men expect to pay on the first date. While the other 45 percent have never been on a second date.



    - Jimmy Fallon
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Total: 815 (41 pages)

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