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November 17, 2018.

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Funny things

Coat

An old lady was considering buying a squirrel fur coat.

"But will it be all right in the rain?" she asked anxiously.

"Oh certainly, maam," said the manager smoothly. "After all, youve never seen a squirrel with an umbrella have you?"

<December 10, 2011>

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In a nursing home

I work in a nursing home, and one morning I was helping a gentleman who was particularly hard to wake get ready for breakfast.

As I coaxed him to sit up, he fixed his twinkling blue eyes on my face and said,
"My, you're pretty! Have I asked you to marry me yet?"

"No you haven't," I replied.

"Good," he said, "because I could not put up with this every morning!"

<December 10, 2011>

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Self esteem

No matter how low your own self esteem, there are probably others who think less of you.



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Scotsmen

Q: How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Scotsmen dont change light bulbs, its cheaper to sit in the dark.

<December 5, 2011>

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Staying young

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

- Lucille Ball

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Training

I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days.

- Bill Dana

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Racehorse

'Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.'

'Take one of these every 4 laps!'

<December 4, 2011>

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Alligator

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator wont attack you if you carry a flashlight?""That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

<December 2, 2011>

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Old person

Q: How can you tell an old person from a young person?

A: An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same time.

<November 30, 2011>

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Ugly

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

<November 30, 2011>

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