Vicclap.eu - funny things archives, page:349

The seven-year old girl told her mom,
"A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

"Look, guide, here are some LION tracks."

"Good. You see where they go and Ill find out where they came from."

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning andlistening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.He looked at the man and said,
"This is what your wife needs, at least oncea day!"

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said,
"OK, what time do you wantme to bring her back tomorrow?"

I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

Q.How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Three. One to find the bulb, the second to find a ladder, and the third to find a man.

When Vickie's co-worker received a phone call from her daughter, she heard her exclaim joyfully, "Seven and a half pounds! I'm so proud!"

After she had hung up, she asked, "Boy or girl?"

"Neither," her colleague replied... "Diet."

When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers they always have on display near the checkout counter.

During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife.

"How often do you do that?" one asked.

Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."

A customer walks into a lawn ornament shop and tells the shopkeeper he's looking for a garden gnome of a fairly large size.

"Sure, take your time," replies the shopkeeper, amiably, "I got them in all sizes."

The customer looks around and then says, "How much for that ugly one with the fat ass?"

The shopkeeper: "My wife is not for sale."