A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldnt be eating here."
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"Im Mr. Sugarbrowns daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"Im Janey Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Arent you Mr. Sugarbrowns daughter?"
With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied,
"I thought I was, but Mommy says Im not."
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
- Mae West
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
- Flip Wilson
The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.
- Rush Limbaugh
Mary: Do you think my sisters pretty?
Gary: Well, lets just say if you pulled her pigtail shed probably say oink, oink!
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.
Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didnt you?
Fred: I couldnt find one big enough for your nose.
Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.
'Waiter, waiter, do you have frogs legs?'
'Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!'
- Tommy Cooper