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December 5, 2016.

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Funny things

Fast-food restaurant

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldnt be eating here."

<December 21, 2011>

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Name

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"Im Mr. Sugarbrowns daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"Im Janey Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Arent you Mr. Sugarbrowns daughter?"

With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied,
"I thought I was, but Mommy says Im not."

<December 21, 2011>

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Marriage

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

- Mae West

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Jackpot

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.

- Flip Wilson

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Difference

The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.

- Rush Limbaugh

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Mushrooms

All mushrooms can be eaten, some even more than once.

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Sister

Mary: Do you think my sisters pretty?

Gary: Well, lets just say if you pulled her pigtail shed probably say oink, oink!

<December 12, 2011>

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Teeth

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

Sent by:tlj <December 12, 2011>

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Present

Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.

Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didnt you?

Fred: I couldnt find one big enough for your nose.

<December 12, 2011>

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Headphones

Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.

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Frogs Legs

'Waiter, waiter, do you have frogs legs?'

'Certainly, Sir!'

'Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!'

- Tommy Cooper

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